(Enters the room in a serious manner, dressed appropriately).  Thank you all for coming, it means a lot to me. First I'd just like to set the record straight - yes, I had sex with a lot of women.  A LOT.  More than you know about, that's for sure.  (looks into the camera) Reese, call me, baby.  (looks back at the people in the room) What's funny to me is how far off the mark your coverage of this is.  Yes, I'm a young, rich, famous, talented guy with a million-dollar smile, or whatever.  But that's not what got me all that action - it was the CONFIDENCE.

You see, women just want confidence, they don't care what kind.  It has nothing to do with looks, or else John Daly would never have had all those wives.  You don't need money, or fame, or talent - after all, even the Hell's Angels had women.  No, the common denominator is simply confidence.  Look at those nuts that fall in love with serial killers.  You know why they do that?  Because serial killers, at least in their role AS serial killers, are extremely confident.  And confidence is sexy.  And sex sells, so we put it on TV between the commercials.

Pay attention to how you're receiving this story, and how you gained your impression of people like me, or any public figure - heck, even the serial killers.  It's not personal interaction, you had it all handed to you as you watched television.  And when you see me, I'm doing the thing I'm best at, and I look confident.  I'm the center of the story, I'm the authority, and so you feel safe as you watch me.

Guys, I'm telling you, if you can hold eye contact for five seconds, there are a million broken women out there.  And they're all hoping for the same thing - that a few sweaty minutes with a confident person will make them feel better about themselves.  I know - it's completely fucked to think that way. But it's reality - for these girls, it's way easier to take a shot of ego adrenaline from hooking up with me than to try and actually build an identity. That's what we should probably be talking about - why so many women are weak for guys who clearly don't respect them - but TV isn't about reality, it's just story-time for adults.  Whether it's a sitcom or a cop drama or this, it's all the same - just another episode of the show.

All I did was play golf and hook up with women - it's TELEVISION that made this into a psychological epic. Look at the stages, they're all there:  Denial that it happened, Anger at the deception, Bargaining that maybe it was just a sex addiction, Depression that you can't view me as a superman anymore...and now we play the final scene, where we're all finally permitted to reach Acceptance by watching me apologize.  So let's do this - here we go...zoom in for that tight closeup, so you can debate whether there are any tears in my eyes..."I'm sorry." 

Now tell me this - do you really feel better?  Has anything really changed?  Here's what I think, and you may not realize it, but I think you've just been using this as a distraction from what's lacking in your own lives.  And I'll bet the next time this happens, you'll go through the same process and enjoy it all again.  Nice little shot of adrenaline, these celebrity scandals, aren't they? You sit here and think about that, analyze it, whatever you do.  I'm going to go hit some golf balls, and then maybe start sorting through all the fuck-me letters from your sisters and daughters that just loved my performance as the Contrite Man Doing The Right Thing.  I looked really confident doing it, didn't I?